Safe in a Crazy World ...

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining

I had just so many thoughts today. Due to my not-so-good english, I may not be able to convey everything in a comprehensive manner, as they are based on many events which I had not updated for a long time. I'll just try alright, hehe ...

I suddenly feel that my old self, the malau with positivity, has come back. Throughout my four years in uni, most of my blogs are filled with negativity. If you had read my first blog, I had mentioned that positivity seemed to have gone missing from my life, sort of went into hiding. It didn't help that I was plagued with r/s problems, study stress, and worse, attempts to escape from the horrible reality in kiasu uni. It was so overwhelming that I could no longer see the big picture of my then situation.

After graduation, the problem of job hunting came. I decided that I would take the path of going for what I want, instead of just going for jobs with good monetary returns, or going with the norm. I started working temp in the meantime as I needed income to survive, but as with history, I bumped into this situation of overworking in temp jobs, and not having enough rest. In the end, I sort of neglected my job search. To make things worse, a mild dizzy spell suddenly escalated to extreme seriousness, and a check with a Chinese sinseh revealed that the impact of a fall few years ago had caused some spinal column growth which partially hindered blood flow to my brain. My heart practically sank when he told me that, because with the existing problems to fret about, the effect of that piece of news was like telling me that I'd be half paralysed for life. Although he told me that it could be treated, just that I would have to maintain the recovered state later on in life, I had fear, because of the experience with extreme dizziness, not being able to work properly, having no appetite, and wanting to vomit every night. It was a feeling of disabledness. I lived with uncertainty and a heavy heart for that period of time, as I did not know when the dizziness would stop, or whether it would even stop.

My temp job contract had ended (fortunately) around the same time, but it was already quite some months after my graduation. It did not help that I became concerned about what potential employers would think if they see that I have not found a job after so long. According to the local perception, taking this long to get a job is "not normal", and the usual reaction to this is "Oh, I thought there are plenty of jobs in the market now?". Yes, but the general understanding of my field by people outside is often too general, and wrong. Moreover, it requires experience to get into this particular scope of work that I'm looking at, so for a start, I am trying for internships to build up my experience. Because of this, I felt rather alone in this uncertainty, as many of my classmates have already secured a job, while I still feel that I should stick to what I believe in, which is different from the norm.

Fortunately, things started getting better. First, the Chinese sinseh managed to nurse me back to health, with me still going for weekly acupuncture sessions and taking medicine. It's like having gone through hell and getting a new lease of life and hope. I am really grateful that someone was there to save me, hence I look upon this sinseh as my angel! With this, I concentrated on my job search again, and recently went for an interview. Surprisingly, I found that I could still stay very positive after all the unhappiness that I had experienced. I finally realized that my belief in positivity had not vanished, but had gotten stronger instead. It was like a flame that dimmed and almost went off, but ultimately still burned in the background. Now, it is getting stronger again. It was this revelation that suddenly gave me hope and motivation again.

As for my r/s issues, I am happy that some misunderstandings had been cleared along the way, and somehow another enlightenment struck me during my "thinking session" one fine day. It was like an explanation and answer for a problem that had baffled and troubled me for years. From then on, I felt a knot in my heart undone ... such a huge relief it was. After seven years, I am finally seeing a clearer picture of this r/s - that God had given me a gift stone, but i was required to polish it into a jewel, so that I would realize and remember its value. I told mu that when we first got together, I thought of him as god's gift to me, in compensation for all the bad health as well as struggles brought about because I am too different from the majority in my society. When many problems arose in the r/s, I felt that I was fighting alone again, but luckily buddy was always there to help me push on. Now, with the resolving of these problems and the enlightment that I have gotten, I can finally tell myself that mu is really God's gift to me, just that God did not want me to take the good things for granted (though the tribulations lasted so long (seven years) that I thought I was going to die!). Today, I have finally succeeded in climbing out of the shit hole (LOL, no other way to describe it), and having persevered and brought this r/s to another level, I feel that this would definitely be one of my biggest achievements in life. I told mu about these on msn, and tears (of happiness, and of what we had gone through) just streamed out uncontrollably. The dark clouds in these four years were so large that they were almost too much to bear, but I am now seeing the silver lining. I am also grateful to the guardian angels in my life, some of whom I may not be in frequent contact with. I thank you for your prayers, well wishes, and whatever lessons and encouragement you have given me. And to Felicia, for having given me the bookmark with words that were to enlighten me many years later.

With mu and buddy leaving SG and staying overseas for quite some time, it is another new challenge for me, especially during this trying period of career carving. But with my found-again motivation and old friend - positivity, I believe that I can once again take on the trial of life that God would present to me. Positivity is just a mindset, but it helps you tide through all difficulties, if you believe in it. After all, as what Nichiren Daishonin wrote, "Winter always turns to spring.", so long as you persevere, victory would eventually be yours. There are just too many choices in life. Sometimes, one might make a long big journey to find themselves going back to the choice they had made on day one. Even then, a lot of thinking would have been necessary to arrive at that decision, all of which would have made you a better person than before. I hope that I can inspire others to stay positive in the face of life's obstacles, in the same way some people have inspired me. :)         

Chopin's Works by Li Yundi

There were some nice compositions which I discovered from the Korean drama "Stairway to Heaven" and the movie "The Pianist", which was recommended by my bro. He has a vastly different character from me, but fortunately, we still have some things in common, and one of them is our love for the Polish composer, Fryderyk Chopin! After searching on the web for the title of two of his works, I finally found videos on You Tube, featuring pianist Li Yundi performing these works. If you like his compositions too, do visit these links to watch the videos. =)

Chopin - Piano Concerto No. 1 in E minor, Op. 11 - Romanza: Larghetto http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mg24YsN0iuU

Chopin - Grande Polonaise brillante précédée d’un Andante spianato, Op. 22 (There are two pieces in this 2-part video, the second one being the above mentioned piece. It starts from part I video, at 04:47)

Part 1/2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPR8rK8Lkp8

Part 2/2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekiYgTtmGpg

I feel that Li Yundi plays very expressively. He is different from many pianists because he displays deep facial expressions when he plays. He is practically very absorbed in the music in his unique style, many times facing up and leaning backwards - contrary to the usual concert pianist's mode of bending towards the keyboard. In a way he gives some visual performance as well, although some people feel that his expressions are funny. I enjoy his performance very much though. Somebody interestingly commented that she (I presume) loves the way this pianist makes gestures and faces when he plays, and that he doesn't hold back his feelings. She also commented that other pianists are so boring that they could well place a log on the stool and play the music through the speakers, hehe.

Well, music is very subjective to me. I am no expert in music, hence at the end of the day, what's most important to me is that I have enjoyed the music, played in a style that I can appreciate. ;)

Am I too kind?

Tomorrow is my convocation day. I have been looking forward to this day because it is a day to celebrate the days in uni, and to recap memories of times spent in school with my friends. I was still feeling quite happy after completion of my honours project. However, reality is now starting to present itself in the form of job-hunting stress, and the fact that people are talking about nothing but work and money. The worst thing is that many people no longer seek jobs of their interest, but rather, jobs that pay well. I cannot deny that money is important, but I feel very suffocated by the kind of life in which balance between money and meaning is upset. I have friends who go for jobs which paid very well, but which they didn't like at all. I can never understand how they manage to live with that. Some quit just after a while, because they finally realized that they couldn't take the misery.

My state of mind is already clouded with gloom at the state of society today. It took a turn for the worse when I realized that somebody close to me talks about money and jobs in 95% of our conversations. When we were still studying, I had to put up with the fact that he kept talking about grades and future job prospects. And I thought that I just had to put up with it till graduation. But now, he keeps talking about money and jobs, which really drove me to my wits' end. His smses are about job interviews, his phone conversations are about job prospects and salary. When he wanted to meet me, I was feeling a bit consoled that he still has a life, but not after he told me that he had job issues to 'discuss' with me. Suddenly I felt like I was his business partner rather than a friend. He talks about the same things even during gatherings. In summary, the topics on his agenda belong only to 3 categories - Money & work, racism & fish. How sad. I thought I had no life, but seems that there a alot worse than me. At least I still talk about a bit of everything in general.

I wonder if this is my karma. It seems to get worse as I get older, and I don't know why. Maybe my character draws people who take me for granted. When I tolerate their nonsense, they think that it is ok to do things which irritate me, until I lash out at them, and it doesn't just end there. After sometime, they would forget about this issue and do the same things to upset me again. I think that insensitive people have no excuse to say that they can repeat the same mistakes because they have an inability to recognize situations. They must make an effort to learn!! I sometimes hate myself for not being able to make firm decisions in getting these people out of my life. I tolerate it when people irritate me, and hide my displeasure from others by secretly chiding these people who irritated me, but in the end they declared aloud to everyone about me scolding them, without thinking whether they deserved to be scolded in the first place. It just doesn't pay to be kind. Good relationships foster a healthy state of mind, and suddenly everything in your life becomes positive. I feel that I am plagued by bad relationships, including that in my family, and I sense that these things are causing a lack of motivation and hope for things in life. Of cos, being the non-communicative kind of family, my parents never liked to talk much. Even when they discuss about their children's issues, there are many things in which they cannot accept our views, and so it becomes a dead end - in return, we would almost never tell them anything about what we do.

I feel most at home when I am with my buddy, bcos she experienced many similar things in life as me. We can only accept our parents bcos they are after all, our parents who have raised us. We have experienced toxic relationships, and we have only each other to share these problems. In a way we are always 'role-playing' in front of our parents, while dealing with these issues behind them, coupled with the stress in work and thinking about our futures. People who have it easier do not understand the situation we are in, and they might just think that we are very unfilial to think of our parents in this light. I would like to say that I am already being very filial to my parents, bcos for everything I do, I know I should not make them angry, and bcos there are so many things which bog me down, I have become so tired that my solution is to just agree with everything they say, and keep all the anger or frustration to myself. We can't force a thinking on ourselves, right?

That is about just as far as I would go to tolerate people though. If not, I would be living my life for other people. Deep down, I am really unhappy, and helpless. As I am writing this, I feel a weight on my chest, which cannot seem to be lifted. I have this thinking that even if you had spent time for a relationship, these efforts are just going to be futile because you had never bothered to solve underlying problems. As for myself, I just wish some sage can enlighten me now.

Where have their moral values gone?

I read in the papers today that a motorcyclist was flung off his bike after being hit by a car making an illegal U-turn, and while he was trying to get up, an oncoming mercedes ran over him. Accidents are common, but what shocked me about this particular one was that none of the two drivers stopped to help him. The mercedes driver even went on to the airport to fetch her hubby, then went home, as if nothing happened!!! If not for other helpful road users, the two culprits might not have been caught at all. 

This is really getting too much for me to digest. The definition of conscience is "the awareness of a moral or ethical aspect to one's conduct together with the urge to prefer right over wrong". Seems that these people are aware of what should be done, but they chose to do wrong. Whatever reasons they might have, I think they are definitely not more important than saving a life, what more that of somebody whose death they had caused. 

Parents nowadays teach their children everything, but moral education is conveniently forgotten, or rather, dismissed as unimportant. This is strongly evident in the rising number of youngsters who have an "I am a customer, and customer is king" attitude towards everybody. At least they think that they are customers in school, and take society for granted. In other words, it's everyone for himself. In this aspect, it is unfortunate that I have endless anecdotes of appalling behaviour by students in my school, such as rudeness to lecturers over test marks, hiding reference books from fellow school mates, demanding "customer service" from the school, etc. Even in customer service, I attribute the behaviour of rude sales personnel to their upbringing, not to the training provided by companies. Many times, these people probably were not brought up to have basic courtesy, so they do not understand why and when they should say "please", "thank you" or "sorry".

Many important values in life stems from moral well-being, but many do not realize it, or rather do not hold these values with high regard, probably because they do not directly bring money and material comforts for those blinded by the need to be successful in terms of standard of living.

The bottomline is that parents play the most crucial role in moulding the future generation. In fact, they are the only ones who can determine whether their children grow up with moral values because upbringing is an irreversible process, like metastating cancer. Once children are given the wrong values in upbringing, there is a limit to how anyone can bring them back onto the right track once they are past a certain stage in life. If parents choose to push this responsibility to the schools, which is a favourite excuse for many, then our society is only going to deteriorate in the moral department, which is already a recognized phenomenon. In fact, I am already counting a blessing for every well-brought-up person I meet in life. How sad.

Free

Finally, 4 May is approaching. After this day, I will embark on a free and easy journey hehe. Really tired of not having enough rest, not having time for myself, and also tired of things that cannot be improved and which I find unacceptable. Most impt of all, I am very relieved to get away from the horrible kiasu environment in uni! I guess I will put all these baggage down for the time being and go look for the real me. Nobody shall disturb me anymore. I don't know if I would ever be able to free myself from extreme frustration and things that make me dull and grumpy, but at least I want to find the happy me, and summon enough strength to live by my own principles in this stereotypical society. I will make sure that I no longer have to repeatedly get hurled by inconsiderate remarks made on impulse, and I finally don't have to struggle to teach people why every individual deserves respect. And I am definitely going to be heard, and not talking to walls. In other words, I am finally going to treat myself better. Sometimes I ask myself "why put up with all the nonsense and make my own life miserable?" Esp when my suffering is not for any constructive purposes. I am tired of giving chances and I guess 7 years is considered quite a substantial amount of tolerance. That is just about as far as I can go, before I SNAP! This is a real-life experiment on my tolerance, and I think my score is quite a feat. =D Maybe I will find my direction after a good rest. Wish me luck hee. ;P

Yesterday Once More

Just heard the song "zuo2 tian1", which means "yesterday" in Mandarin, on radio. It was a rendition by Shi Xinhui in her new album, but I guess few people know that it was originally sung by Kit Chan in her second album. I remember this song because it holds some special memories of my days in SP CLS.

I was in the choral group and we had to occasionally present songs as a group. This was the song I had chosen for my group, and although the singing wasn't that very good, it was still a memorable experience for me. I am not sure if my group members still remember this song, and the times we spent practising it. I had found the song rather special, just that it was a neglected piece of work - at least I haven't really heard it being dedicated by listeners on radio.

The version I just heard was a live performance accompanied by the piano, and it sounds closer to the original Kit Chan version, which I like better. Don't like the new arrangement in Xinhui's album version as much. She still reminds me of Kit Chan though, probably bcos of some similarity in their voices, so I am still glad that it is Xinhui and not any other person giving the song a new rendition now. Like the feeling of nostalgia. Stubborn me, huh.

A pity I had bought Kit's albums in the form of cassette tapes (yes, it was that long ago, cassette tapes!!), except for one CD. I think I shall have to search for the CDs one by one after graduation, after I have accumulated some vitamin $M haha. Her songs bring back a lot of memories, and I would really like to keep the songs so that I can listen to them when I am old (I am already old, considering I bought the tapes like more than 10 yrs ago!). Those were the days man (poly days), uni is not even that happening, or I should say, uni is dead and lifeless, for me lah.

Feel that as one gets older, life events seem to become less memorable, probably bcos there were more "first times" when one was younger, so memories were more deeply etched in the mind. Sometimes wish that I could relive one day in those years once more, but that is not possible of cos. No choice lor, I should just go get that album.

Why?

As I am writing this, I just can't stop feeling extremely angry and upset. I don't know if I want to cry, but the feeling is terrible. Besides slogging in the lab everyday, and being stressed by the impending thesis deadline, I got agitated during the only time I get to rest.

Despite spelling it out that I do not wish to talk about certain things, the person talking to me did not seem to understand whatever language I was using. I know exactly what I should do for my project, but I kept being taught what to do and asked if I had done this, that etc, like in a checklist. I know very clearly that at this point of time, what I need is not being reminded of my agony, but just an understanding friend to listen, and not keep provoking me with all the wrong things - nagging and teaching me what to do, when I already know what I should be doing. Apparently my dear friend still has not improved one bit in situation awareness (in this case, worse, bcos I had actually spelt out the situation more clearly than ever). Perhaps I can only attribute it to language barrier?

I always ask myself what wrong I have done in my previous life to have to go through this. I don't understand, and never will. Why must my patience and tolerance be taken for granted? Must I jump off a building before somebody wakes up and realize that one should just limit some things, and stop when I say stop? When can people learn to listen to feedback and take them seriously? I feel as if I am talking to a wall which practises selective listening, pre-concepts my message even before I finish my sentence, interpretes my words in a way I never imagine could be possible, gets all my messages wrong, and jumps to wrong conclusions.

I have had enough, so I shall shut myself out from these "walls" and for the time being, confine my interactions to people who understand my language = everybody on earth except this "wall". Seriously, I would rather be reincarnated as a cockroach than to have a life full of these hair-pulling experiences. It is so bad that I believe the anger I experienced could generate enough energy for me to pull out all the grass on earth!

Sigh, sorry again for the grumpy blog, but I just had to let it out. Hope tomorrow is a better day. For now, I'm gonna drown myself in chocolate, I really hope there is such a thing as "death by chocolate", to free myself from this misery.

Nice =)

Here I am, writing a blog at 0400 hrs, after coming back from lab around 0230 hrs. I was supposed to finish my stuff by 1500 today and come back to rest, then start reading up on my project. Alas, my experimental results turned out to be very faint, so I decided to repeat the experiment from scratch, to confirm the outcome. Since my fren was also staying late to finish up her experiment so that she need not go back to lab tomorrow (Sun), I was happy to have company. After all, it feels good working in lab during weekends bcos boss is not around and we can better concentrate on our work, taking breaks during incubation times and having lunch, tea, dinner or supper etc. That is the good thing about lab jobs - flexible timing (but unlimited time at work too!). 

Due to unforeseen circumstances, my work was delayed and I had to stay one hour later than planned. My fren offered to stay back to accompany me, otherwise I would have to find my way out of the hospital alone in the wee hours, which can be freakin scary. I remembered having ventured into the lab through an unusual entrance on a Sunday morning, which led to staff area which did not seem to be in operation and the lighting for stretches of corridors/areas was very dim. Somehow the lift was not in service, and the door to the stairs was locked, so I found my way into some bed linen/kitchen section, and it became like a maize. There was nobody, just me alone trying to find my way out of that maize into some common lobby. Apparently, once I had entered the place, there was no turning back bcos it became like a jungle - the more I moved on, the more confusing the place got. I chanced upon a lift in the midst of this jungle and took it up to the 1st level. I didn't like the lift at all bcos it was one of those big lifts for transporting ward beds and I had to be alone in it. On the way, the lift stopped at B1 and I thought to my relief that I would finally see some people, but to my horror, the lift door opened and I came face to face with a dark place, with NO ONE at all (my hair really stood on end by this time)! I pressed the lift door "close" button and crossed my fingers that I could get out soon. When the lift finally reached the 1st level, 2 staff entered and I went out. To my horror AGAIN, the area looked the same as that horrible dim B1, and I had nowhere to go except towards a not-so-promising-looking exit sign. To my horror for the last time, the exit door led me to yet another enclosed area and there was another door. I held my breath and pushed open the door, finally seeing some corridors!! After venturing through more internal corridors and opening a few wrong doors, I finally found my way to the main atrium! I felt so stupid then, to have tried venturing in through that warehouse-looking entrance in the first place, but it was partly bcos of the rain and I could not cross over to my usual entrance.

Tonight was different, bcos I had my fren with me. It kinda felt very heartwarming, esp when I saw a few other people from other labs at work and we had small chats. Only people in the same boat would understand what one another are going through, and hence chatting with them makes you feel much better at times when you have to work into the wee hours. It makes you feel that the lab is your second home, partly bcos you are there for a longer time than you are at home, and people who understand your plight most are also there with you. It is during these times that you feel being in lab is good, haha. Another thing is that it is definitely much more interesting than office work. Time passes like nobody's business as you are doing experiments, instead of most of the time sitting in front of a computer and trying to suppress your sleepiness. The greatest factor that distinguishes lab from office is that it is extremely important that you have nice colleagues bcos you are almost "living" with them, considering the time spent in lab. Even if you have a horrible boss, as long as you have support from your colleagues, all the nasty things you face would seem to have diminished by 80%.

After finishing our work, my fren and I walked towards the nearest shopping mall to take a cab. Upon reaching home, it felt really good to have a hot shower. Just when I was going to sleep, I had a sudden craving for instant noodles, and so I had it! I kinda like the feeling of going to bed with a satisfied stomach (who doesn't?).

Now that I have had my noodles, it is time to hit the pillow (I have to be back in lab 4-5 hrs later!). Since the film developer is faulty again, I would have less to do tomorrow. These circumstances really help, for it allows me to take a short break without feeling guilty. =P I still have to go back to plate cells anyway, but at least I can skip the part with long waiting time = enough time to come home earlier to zzz before continuing with my day again. =)

Special thanks to wormie & mu for your concern, sorry to have caused you to stay up. Good night! zzz   

Thoughts at 0020

Second blog for the day. I just want to note down my thoughts for fear that I may not convey them as clearly the next day. I saw an advertisement for post of research assistant in stem cell culture. "Isn't that my field of interest?" I thought to myself.

To be honest, I had been rather put off by the phenomenon of undergraduates sending hundreds of resumes to potential employers even before they are halfway through their final year projects. I do not believe that they can be interested in so many different jobs, at least not the majority of them. So, it can only be an act of 'kiasuism', which is meaningless. And in the field of research, where no passion means you can forget about anything else, it is even more meaningless to blindly apply for a hundred positions just for the sake of raising the probability of securing a job.

When I saw the advertisement, I had mixed feelings. A part of me felt tempted to try out the job, because I like stem cell culture research. I've dreamt of being part of a research team in contribution to making possibilities in saving lives, which was the reason for my first job. However, it was also because of my first job that I saw the reality of this task to help the human race. What we hope to do is a nice painted picture, but when it comes to the real thing, we may not be as prepared as we would hope to be. If you are not prepared to devote your time to research, you may become miserable because you have no time for yourself. Up to the point where you feel that you really deserve a rest, you sometimes uncontrollably while away a bit more time enjoying, and feel terrible after that. It is possible to find a balance, but extremely challenging, especially if your job is clinical research, because the samples you're handling might be those of living patients, and you might just feel that guilt as you're watching TV, when you should have been reading journals in the night at home. You might have very little or no time for yourself and other things which you want to do, let alone your family. I believe even the most senior scientists get tormented by this dilemma to find a balance between their calling to help save others' lives, and time for their own lives. There is that much more to what people see or perceive of the phrase "devoting one's life to research".

After looking at the scope of research for this particular lab, I am again reminded of these factors, even though this is not direct clinical research. But it still boils down to the same principle - whether I want to lead the kind of life which requires most of my time for science alone. It is an all-or-none kinda thing. I feel that people who are by nature more curious about science are more suitable for this job, because although they still feel miserable about missing holidays and working mentally 24/7, their curiosity can still partially compensate for it and keeps them going. For a not-as-curious person like me, the efficiency would be lower. I hate to not give my best, or worse, jeopardize the chances of alleviating others' sufferings when there could have been a better candidate to do the research, and I also wish to have more time for myself. There is always a price to pay for things you wish to achieve, and I guess I am not prepared to pay the price yet.

For now, I can either look at other non-clinical fields, or explore areas where I can best apply what I have learnt. I do feel sad that a dream I had been having for years turned out to be something quite different, or even impossible, but that is reality. I believe my decision to give all-or-none would be beneficial to mankind, haha ... so no regrets!! I must say that this dream of mine has brought me many valuable lessons in life, and worth keeping as a sweet memory.

The good news is, I can still continue my wish to learn, through reading articles (at least I can do it at my own pace). After all, there are still many other things awaiting me in life, and I should not neglect them as well. ;P 

Life as it is, now ...

Sneaked off from lab slightly earlier than usual today (escaped from my boss's clutches hahaha!), but waited an hour at the clinic, sigh ... wasted that precious resting time. Anyway, at this point of time, not thinking about my project is already a form of rest for me (yes, it is that bad), not to mention that I had spent the whole of CNY in the lab!!

I have not regretted choosing this project, because it really interests me, and even if I do not succeed in the end, I have learnt quite some things about doing research, and also gained yet another experience in taking things in my stride under the rule of a terrible boss. I think these are more valuable than getting an easy project and having beautiful results, or an excellent class of honours. Not to forget that I have met some really wonderful colleagues who have a similar outlook on life as me, so much so that a simple chat with them lifted my spirits during this gloomy CNY. 

Latest update on my situation with boss: I have already progressed through a series of emotions - > felt stressed by boss > angry with boss > avoided boss like plague > felt like killing boss > felt numb > and finally enlightenment, haha. I still get rather irritated by him though. I have evaluated and re-evaluated the situation such that I think I now know what he is like - unreasonable, unrealistic, impatient, demanding control freak. Just imagine that you need one year to get experimental results substantial enough to report, yet he would ask you every single day, on your progress, and worse still, jeopardize your research by making funny changes to your plans. There is a good side to him, but a pity these good traits are not applicable when it comes to his working style.

The best way to deal with him is, sadly, to avoid any eye contact or conversation with him. This is because he always gives ideas for your project, yet they are not suggestions, because you don't really have a choice as to whether you want to agree with him - you HAVE to do what he says. His ideas change faster than the weather, and so far none of them worked, at least for my project. If I have to think of 101 reasons to counter his every idea, wouldn't it be better to put that time and energy into doing my work instead? After chatting with my colleagues, I found out that I wasn't the only one facing this problem. Apparently, they too do not agree with most of his unrealistic ideas, so they have to try their best to argue it out with him, and given his "I am always right" attitude, and unrealistic expectations, I wonder if any communication is even possible.

Anyway, I am juggling two projects now, because he didn't want to let me write on the troubleshooting for my original project, for which I gave my blood and sweat. Anyway, I guess I can't really write much constructive stuff about it either, because I had been doing things contrary to my opinion, but what he felt was right (and turned out to be wrong). The new project is much simpler, and I told him after CNY that I would focus on that, now that I do not have much time left towards the thesis deadline. I would still continue on my original project, just out of interest, and also not to waste the animal cells. Just when I thought that I could finally concentrate more on one project, he had to come tell me funny things again today. I had donated some of the cells to a colleague who wanted to research on their growth, out of curiosity. And boss actually said, " You should keep asking him (my colleague),"how are your results?", because if he succeeds, that would go to your thesis." I wasn't shocked by his mentality, but extremely annoyed with him. As usual, I just said "yes" to everything he suggested, so that he would get out of my sight, and when he finally left (i.e., after turning back thrice, with more things to add), I just rolled my eyes. I am convinced that he is desperate for results. If not, then he is too free and doesn't know what to do with the time he has.

Ok, enough for now. I should not keep dwelling on negative thoughts. Counting down to April!!

It Struck Us Again ...

I read in the papers yesterday night that Taiwanese actress Xu Weilun had met with a serious accident and was in critical condition. At the same time, I heard that she had actually passed away, just that the news wasn't available at press time. This morning, wormie smsed me that the actress had passed away at 7 last night, and she felt that it was really a waste of talent.

I guess both of us felt something else besides the loss of a great person - her age. She was just 28, merely one year older than I am. To think that her life had to end so soon. When wormie and I were at the crematorium to visit zing, we noticed that there were quite a few young people, some younger than us, who had passed on. The sight of these really wrenched our hearts, because they were all so young, and gone too soon. It is a kind of feeling, which up till now, I cannot put into words. Even though these people were not related to us, we kind of feel for their loss, and feel helpless. Same with the case of Xu Weilun's death, it saddens us as well. One moment this person was alive, and few minutes later she was gone. I guess it is too short a time frame to make one accept such a sudden and shocking event. Even if we were to think of them years later, we would still sometimes be dumbfounded, or even have to remind ourselves that they are not around anymore, which seems very weird. There are 2 songs which convey this feeling of mine very well - "Invisible Wings" by Angela Chang, and Sissel's "Summer Snow". I don't know if you would be able to feel what I feel after listening to them. It is very subjective after all.

Anyway, I can only say that these are events of fate, and that we should treasure our loved ones while they are still around, and be more forgiving towards their imperfections. Easier said than done huh. Well, I myself cannot do it all the time, but I always tell myself that at the end of the day, these people, no matter what imperfections they may have (esp our parents), are the only ones in the world who would give us unconditional love.

Stressed and angry ...

This is another sh** period of time for me. I am doing a project which determines whether I can graduate after 4 years of brain damage. And it seems that I cannot communicate well with my boss, and to make it worse, we have different thinking on certain steps of the project.

I got scolded today because I did not get enough cells in time to grow for a certain step of the experiment. And bcos I feel that there is another method to get around this problem, I felt that I should let the cells grow before proceeding, rather than proceed to the next step and not get any useful information on the results due to low cell count. When I asked boss, he was so angry probably bcos he is stressed over not getting substantial results for my thesis. But you can't change reality - that research projects usually take years to complete, what's more I have only 3 months!!

We are not required to produce outstanding results, but most importantly to analyze any results or even mistakes, and gain insight into how we should approach the experiment or troubleshoot any problems faced. Mistakes actually give us more information on a step or even our target cell or protein! It is very common for a project thesis to contain no results, but only troubleshooting of problems faced, due to the time frame given. These are useful information which could guide future experiments, and the school accepts them in the thesis because that is the reality of research! You might well get stuck on a particular step for months, and it could be just a step which helps you isolate the cells or protein etc you need to even START your project. Apparently my boss thinks that we must get some results significant enough for the school to see, and bcos he was the one who gave me the project, I don't think that I have the right to argue with him.

I don't mind going back to lab 7 days a week, never mind that I don't have time for myself. But I just hope that he could understand the intensity of brain exertion and labour that I have to put in on all the procedures. I wish he could try it out himself and not forget that I am only human. Everything is so multi-factorial that just thinking of them makes my brain experience a mental block. Sometimes I would hang like a computer and I would 'stone' to regain what I had been thinking earlier on. Different groups of cells have different factors, different time to process, different things to add etc. I feel like a robot having to remember complex things and the smallest details, besides not having enough rest and NO LIFE. Everyday is a war. Once an experiment starts, I have to make sure everything is ready, if not, even a few days of work can go to waste. This makes me think of experimental steps even while having dinner. And when I realized that I had forgotten to coat some 96-well plates for tomorrow, I almost fainted. Which means I had better go to lab 1-2 hours earlier to coat them tomorrow morning. If tomorrow's operation goes wrong, I wouldn't want to think what might happen to me. Just bcos of the limited time frame given, I am working much more intensely than even the lab staff, sigh ... think my brain is going bonkus anytime soon ...

Ok, I shall have to get going after all the complaining ... sorry that you had to read this haha ... 

Nightmare

Finally, exams are over. I can say that it is the worst exam I've ever had in my years of study, due to the lousy schedule (papers on consecutive days). The last exam before graduation usually matters most to a lot of students because it is usually of greatest weightage, but for many of us, all the hopes and aspirations to do well for the final battle seemed to have diminished to zero on the eve of each paper. Ironically, all we had on our minds were ways on how to get pass the border so as not to do too badly or fail. It is no wonder because sleepless nights and mental fatigue had driven us to a corner. Only those whose aspirations and determination were stronger than anything else had the discipline to perform constantly well for exams.

It seemed that my nightmare was over, after days of intensive journal and notes reading, and sleeping for 1.5 hrs on average on the eve of each paper, but sad to say, following the exams are our final year projects = more journal reading! Arrgh, just when I thought I could finally take a break.

Frankly speaking, I am not in the mood for doing research now, and fortunately, my present task is just a project that would last for 5 months, and not a permanent job. I think I really need a break from all these intensive "brain-digging" activities. I finally understand why my chosen subject of study has proven to be so tough - because it requires a lot of imagination and visualizing on our part, besides trying to understand the kind of english used in some journal papers!! All in all, we are like translators of language into visualization = linguistic + imagination skills (furthermore, at different specific levels). This is no joke, for it is unusually taxing on the brain. Do this for 4 long years + exams - I sometimes wonder how any human can take this kind of life? When I think back, it seems like quite a feat for me to have gone through all this (given my nua3 character), although there are also many fields out there which are more challenging than mine.

My heart tells me that I am tired and worn out, so I guess I would take at least a month's break after my project - to just relax and maybe take up a temp job (not research), while thinking about what I want to do next. If I plunge into a research job right away, I may not do it well because I cannot concentrate.

Right now, I keep "psycho-ing" myself to do my best for my project. It is an interesting project, just that I feel really drained and wish to rest and do anything except research for the time being - to recharge. The good news is, that is impossible (wahaha), so I am trying my very best to strike a balance between project and relaxation now. It is not easy, but I will grit my teeth and hang on! Ok lah, must say some encouraging words at the end - there is still some reward - the kind of satisfaction of having brought your knowledge to another level after years of brain damage haha. Just treat it as a viking adventure ride (i.e., it would definitely end at some point of time - how encouraging). Sigh, c'est la vie ... 

Thought for the Day ...

Something I thought about today: If you know some people who have yet to go through life as much as yourself, and obviously still quite simple-minded, would you expect them to think or handle things in life like you, or would you see things in their perspective and understand that they do not mean to do certain things which would deem to be unacceptable in your view?

For me, I would choose the latter, because I feel that it is not fair to judge in your light the things they do at their level of thinking. I guess I wouldn't immediately judge them for things which I feel is wrong, because they may not see things as broadly or in-depth as I do, due to our different levels of maturity. Otherwise, these people would be condemned without even knowing that they are condemned. That is a little unfair to them.

Some things have to be learnt through life experience, and if I blamed them, it would be like expecting them to know things which they have not realized. What we can do at most is to tell them our views and get them to think about how they would handle the situation if they were given another chance. But then again, does something bad have to happen in order to make them realize their 'mistakes'? Afterall, lessons learnt through experience are better understood. Would telling them be sufficient to make them understand?

Sigh, my thoughts are becoming a cycle. Think about it another day, haha (please don't 'box' me). Going to copy notes again ... sigh ...   

Is it Stupidity?

Just read about a "no-wheelchair" policy being enforced in a well-known shop. I really cannot believe that people can think of such silly policies, which to me, don't in the least make sense. The shop claimed that they have this policy because wheelchairs may hurt customers and damage property, and the shop may get sued. Isn't it ridiculous??!

I mean, I have had encounters with many people who bumped into me, stepped on my feet and sometimes hit me really hard with their shopping bags in shopping malls, and yet didn't sense it, or rather, pretended not to realize it. These people can also inflict injury on other customers within the shop, without having to be wheelchair-bound! I believe kids running around in shops are also a common sight, and they sometimes knock into things in the shops too. If the shelves within this particular shop cannot withstand a small 'touch' from a wheelchair, what makes them think that they can withstand the wear and tear inflicted upon by clumsy customers and playful kids, considering the ratio of wheelchair-bound customers to physically healthy customers?

Moreover, I believe that physically challenged individuals are in fact more mindful and have better visuo-spatial orientation compared to the other customers because they have to constantly gauge their positions wherever they go. Most people would also make way for wheelchairs, as what I have always seen on MRTs. Whoever cannot see a wheelchair coming should have their eyes checked. Wheelchair-bound individuals would also be posing danger to themselves if they bump into people and shelves (things do drop, you see), so I wouldn't feel that anyone in the right mind would be crashing into people and things unless their aim for going into the shop is to hurt people and destroy things (isn't it getting more exaggerated)?

Again, as I've mentioned, the ratio of wheelchair-bound to physically healthy customers is probably 1:50, or even less. To me, it is plain discriminating and selfish not to let them into shops. If healthy individuals can shop anywhere, wheelchair-bound people have the rights too. It is every individual's attitude and behaviour, and not the physical wheelchair that would make the difference. A person mindful of people around him or her would hardly cause any injury or damage. I would think that in the case of this shop, coming up with this policy is very mindless - convenience at the expense of wheelchair-bound customers' rights.

P.S. I wonder if they have this perspective because they are one of those who inflicted injuries on me in the malls? Oops.

A nice way to end my day ...

Something happened today which really touched me. It may seem like nothing to others, but to a student who has some interest in research, but not to the extent of being passionate, and hence not really favoured by lecturers with high expectations, it was a really heart-warming moment.

We were supposed to choose and submit 10 choices for our final year project, after which one project would be allocated through balloting (or so they said) and announced after a week or so. We were also advised to meet up with supervisors of projects we are interested in, as some of them would not accept students whom they have not met up with. The ambiguous part was that the coordinator hinted on supervisors having a say in the final allocation as they may be allowed to choose their students, regardless of the ballot. However, after clarifying with the coordinator, limited information could be given to students on this, leaving a cloud of uncertainty hovering above our heads. In this case, we presume that academically and research-inclined students are usually the ones whom most researchers prefer. Those like me who are average but have interest in the projects then seem to be at a disadvantage.

So the story for today goes like this ... I had emailed Dr B to meet up for discussion of his projects which I am interested in, but just before I met up with him, there were news that some projects were really popular and have already been "pre-allocated" (i.e., some supervisors might have given their projects to students whom they think are suitable, without going through the balloting), and Dr B's project was rumoured to be one of them. Even though it was hearsay, I suddenly felt disheartened because such things were really possible in my school. When it comes to choosing projects or signing up for assignment topics, 50% of the choices would often be snapped up by early birds (who are so impossibly early that you would think they camped overnight in school and rushed into general office to sign up the moment the door was opened, hahaha ...) such that you might well be left with the not-so-nice topics if you do not hurry. Moreover in the case of my project selection, about 50% of my choices were rumoured to have been pre-allocated, meaning that I no longer stand a chance even if I submitted them under my top 10. Nevertheless, I went to see Dr B, as agreed in my email. The whole process of discussion ended up to be a really nice one, for he made the effort to explain the project details from scratch, something which not all supervisors do. Some professors whom I had met spoke very little during their discussion sessions, merely waiting for my questions, hence I had felt that those were rather "one-way" sessions. In the case of Dr B, he even rummaged through his cabinets for a whole 5 minutes just to get a few pieces of notes to explain background information to me. I wanted to ask him not to bother as I did not wish to take up too much of his time. Friendly as he always was, he joked about his cabinets being ever so messy, and assured me that it was alright as he would find the notes soon. After he got the notes, we discussed a little on the project techniques and when I told him that his projects were interesting, he gave me a reply which surprised me. He said that he was very happy to hear what I said, and it was as though many people failed to see the interesting part of his work.

He went further to tell me about some other projects going on in his lab and that he had a hard time getting grants over here for studies on this particular disease which is not common among Asians, but with high occurrence in Caucasians. I commented that this is a realistic place, and many people would prefer to invest in projects which either concern "trendy" topics, or would benefit the local situation and economy, and he agreed. But he mentioned something very subtle, yet extremely inspiring to me. He said that research should not be categorised/limited by national boundaries. For a moment I felt like I was hearing wise words from Gandolf in "Lord of the Rings", right in front of me, just that he was the Chinese version (I know this is exaggerating, but he really touched me with his words!). I have never heard anything like that in my years of studying Science, and it felt really good to hear something so meaningful and sincere from a lecturer. In the research community rat race, there are researchers who become obssessed with results and publications (sometimes fame), and truly neglected the initial purpose and attitude towards research. Dr B also told me that the purpose of final year projects is to give students a chance to have a feel of research, and results are not more important than the experience, most of all we should have learnt new techniques and the way of research at the end of it. His words gave me consolation that there are still people who research for the sake of goodwill.

At the end of the discussion, I was really curious to know his take on the project allocation. According to him, some students had specifically expressed their wish to take on his project, but he did not give promises as the final allocation should be decided by the project coordinator and not himself. He also said that he welcomes anybody to his lab even after graduation to learn anything that interests them. At least it assured me that he is not the kind who would give under-the-table pre-allocations to students. Given my fair share of encounters with professors who do not like to waste their time on average students (as one can feel from their behaviour), I was really at a loss for words on having met somebody like Dr B. When I thought about it all, it made me feel like crying.

At the end of the day, I no longer dwelled on the impending project allocation disaster. Rather, I felt that I had gained something even more important - I had chatted with a non-judgemental and magnanimous researcher, somebody who genuinely puts his heart into researching for goodwill, and a person who made my day. Most importantly, it gave me encouragement that I shouldn't feel unworthy of research just because I am an average student.

This is the last straw!

To think that the first blog I post right after my internet connection regained, would be due to anger (again). I promised myself to write less of negative stuff cos it is not good to be always angry and brooding over things which I cannot control. But this time, I lost my cool again.

Very trivial incident it may seem, but when history repeats itself over and over again, I really feel like a pressure cooker exploding. Just imagine you took some nice videos of a cute baby, and had waited for weeks to specially show it to people. They viewed the video 50% of the time, and during the remaining 50%, they were half looking at a website and half observing the parts of the camera, and even looking into the viewfinder!! Wouldn't you be angry if you were me? I felt as though I was not being treated with any respect at all, because similar situations have happened many times before. And that was not the end. I put on an angry front and some insensitive person still cared to joke and jostle around, and even deliberately stepped on my foot!!! To make the "joke" even more funny, my chair was taken away from me while I was switching on my laptop to test the internet connection. If you knew that you had made somebody angry, would you still sit on her chair in this case and not even leave some space for her, leaving her to stand and fume like a chimney? And still basking in the glory of your so-called joke?

Then came the most ridiculous part - I finally decided that I couldn't, and shouldn't tolerate that anymore, and scolded this joker, who still had the cheek to say that I vented my frustration on him after being angered by somebody else. I fathomed that he had said this because he seriously did not sense anything wrong with his actions, which is seriously, very serious. I thought I was on cloud nine before the joker came. None of my family or friends had EVER done this kinda thing to me. I felt really really disrespected and on some other past occassions, insulted.

I have never seen a case like this, where I felt that even a stone could have sensed the tension and anger building up in me, not to mention a living human. I have concluded that this is a case of extreme insensitivity and childishness, coupled with ZERO situation awareness. Period.   

*If you happen to have survived such ordeals, pls donate some advice in counteracting this "syndrome". I think your help would go a long way. Thanks. I certainly wish that this could be the LAST straw, but it certainly isn't going to be!!

Oishii ...

I specially created this blog entry to post excerpts from a book I am currently reading. It's titled "Japanese Women Don't Get Old or Fat", by Naomi Moriyama. The title may sound a little shallow, but it is definitely not a diet book. It merely celebrates the spirit of Japanese home cooking through many anecdotes by the Japanese author and her American husband. Below are some excerpts I especially like. Here goes ...

My mother, a short, black-haired, ultra-high-energy Japanese woman, is making our family dinner with the speed of a panther, the confidence of Martha Stewart and the precision of a NASA scientist.

Green tea is brewing in an earthenware pot.

Fresh green and yellow vegetables are simmering in dashi, a clear broth made from bonito flakes, kelp and mushrooms. Fluffy rice is plumping up in the rice cooker, steaming out a rich nutty flavour.

My mother grills small slices of fish with a light touch of lemon and rapeseed oil, then polishes little squares of tofu with a brown sauce before lining up bowls of simmering miso soup made from scratch. They look like jewel boxes.

What comes out of my mother's kitchen is not complicated sushi or elaborate, formal kaiseki dishes. This is good old-fashioned, hard-core everyday Japanese mum's cooking.

It's what tens of millions of Japanese mothers and wives serve their families every day. It is the food my mother fed me as a little girl, as a high school student and even as a young executive trainee in my first office job in Tokyo, when she would sometimes chase down the street after me with a piece of toast if I rushed out of the apartment without eating.

My mum's Tokyo kitchen is tiny, about 1.8 by 3.6 metres. It is jam-packed and piled high with cooking utensils, plates and seasoning stuff. She has virtually no worktop space.

When my good friend Susan came to Tokyo to visit for a couple of days from New York on the way to Hong Kong, she witnessed my mum whip up a few fantastic dishes out of thin air, in a scene right out of The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Susan still talks about it ten years later.

When I was growing up, we rarely ate out or brought take-away foods home. My mum said she could do it better and cheaper. She did - and she still does.

She shops for ingredients from a variety of places - from local supermarkets, department store food halls, downtown Tokyo specialist stores and the Tsukiji fish market. Every day she goes to local stores for fresh fish, meat and vegetables, and back when there was a family-owned tofu store nearby that made fresh tofu on the premises, she even bought her tofu fresh. She often does not decide what dishes to make before she goes grocery shopping. Only after she's looked over the market's offerings and has seen what looks fresh and fabulous that day does she devise her menu plan. For perishables, 'freshness' is a Tokyo kitchen mantra. Whether it is fish, fruits, vegetables or herbs, if it is in season and available fresh, that's what Japanese women buy. If it's not fresh, they stay away.

From ages twelve to eighteen, my younger sister, Miki, and I went to an all-girls private school in Kawasaki.

On the first day of school all the mothers and daughters were seated in the auditorium and a teacher at the podium made an orientation speech:

                      We request that every mother make lunch for

                      your daughter everyday. Our main theme at this

                      school is to help our students learn to be giving

                      and loving. One of the ways your daughter learns

                      this is from your love-packed lunch box.

My mother took this speech very seriously.

For years, she woke up at 6 a.m. and cooked small portions of fish, veggies, eggs and meat for us, sliced them up and packed them neatly and elegantly along with a sheet of nori seaweed over a bed of rice in a small airtight Tupperware lunch box.

She wrapped up the lunch in a cloth napkin with my name and flowers embroidered in a corner. She made these napkins too.

Every day the lunch box contained different side dishes, sandwiches or rice balls. She made every lunch box with total dedication and passion.

One day, I untied the napkin, opened the clingfilm and started eating a sandwich. I was surprised to find a sheet of nori seaweed on top of the ham and cheese.

My schoolmates and I were accustomed to British-style sandwiches, with lettuce, thinly sliced cucumbers, tomatoes, ham and cheese. Nori seaweed was something we ate in Japanese dishes, never in a sandwich. As a self-conscious teenager, I was awfully embarrassed to be seen eating that seaweed in front of my schoolmates.

I went home and said to my mother, 'Nobody puts seaweed in a sandwich!'

She said, 'Well, seaweed is good for you, but I will try not to do it again.'

Today I realise that I was too young to appreciate her creatvity.

**************************************************************************************************

This is so heart-warming! I can't help but want to share some of the good stuff over here. Sorry if some of you found it boring, but to those who enjoyed it, you may wish to consider reading the book. I really admire the Japanese people's spirit and dedication towards food. Now, I shall continue my journey in further exploring this amazing culture! The mere description of the food ingredients made me hungry ... haha! So, itadakimasu!! 

Light From the Tunnel?

Life is certainly not a bed of roses, but it can be worse as it is sometimes covered with thorns. Lately I have no choice but to ask myself if there are certain principles or values which I should give up in compromise for some things. These values have been nurtured as I become older, hence I firmly believe in them and hope that they would be part of my life. However, sometimes life is really cruel and you are forced to make a choice between certain important things and these values you so treasure.

Fate has somehow decided that I should not have these values and that I have to learn to bear with the pain. I am not ready to give them up and succumb to living life in a compromising and absurd way (at least I think it is still unacceptable for now), but still, reality has shown me that things are not going to change for the better. I have only two options, one is to give up certain things in exchange for my values and the other is vice versa.

I am probably going to try to psycho myself in living life differently, although I am honestly not ready to do so. Because of this, many misunderstandings have arisen and I can't seem to get my message across, no matter how hard I try. These events brought me a lot of anger and hurt, and drove me to my limits. The only reason I can think of for my persistence is that these values mean a lot to me, they are almost my life.

The only way out now is to not think of the problem as this thing has already taken up most of my time and energy, so further dwelling on it would bring disaster. Nowadays I constantly feel tired, have become really numb, and have no mood to focus on anything, which is quite bad. I think I shall just shelve this thing for the time being and give myself some peace. I shall numb myself till I wake up from this long break.

Maybe I would see the light after taking a rest?

A moment in time

This is yet another blog that would bore people to death, haha. (Anyway it doesn't bother me cos I only write for my own pleasure!) Hmm, I should have been doing my schoolwork, and instead I am here writing all these stuff. Well, because it's another one of my very personal moments I would hope to capture somewhere.

Recently, a few of my friends are head over heels in love with the Korean drama "My Lovely Samsoon". It's no wonder because I experienced the same thing only slightly earlier than them when I caught the drama on cable TV. One of the symptoms of 'addiction' was relentless searching for the soundtracks (at least that is the craziest thing I do for dramas that I love). Just today, I had borrowed auntie selva's thumbdrive to copy over soundtracks that I didn't manage to find earlier. As I listened to the tracks, some memories of the drama were recollected (I don't know why, but this sentence sounds like a report to me), and coincidentally, I chanced upon the drama on TV and ended up watching the entire episode for an hour. After that, I was in this nostalgic mood as I listened to one of the soundtracks which was a piano rendition of "Inside My Heart". And to make things worse, I suddenly had the urge to play the piano.

I used to have one in the house, but it was later given to my sister who is not staying with me now. I had thought, since I play it only once in a blue moon (usually under scenarios like the one I'm facing now), I might as well help to clear some space in the house and fulfil my sister's wish. Before the piano was moved away, it would just be a few steps away in my brother's room whenever I had the urge to play. Now that I feel like playing, it is nowhere in sight. Thoughts of investing in a digital piano often came to my mind few years back because I tried playing on one and I loved the sound coming from this compact instrument. I guess it was also the design which i fell in love with, and the fact that it sounded much like a real piano. However, as years passed, I realized that what I actually want is still a classical piano - the authentic stuff. The crystal clear sounds which cannot hide technical flaws, haha. I would always admire the grand pianos in music showrooms, especially the ones at P.S. where you can enter a glass 'room' filled with pianos to play. I never dared to play in that paradise, except for once when my friend went in and played the piano with me. It feels so weird with people staring from outside.

At the same time, I often ask myself if I am worthy of such an instrument of value, because I had always been a very lazy piano student, and all I liked was just to play the music I preferred, at my own pleasure. Sometimes I really feel very ashamed of myself for letting my teachers down, especially my very first teacher, who always made sure we got good grades through her discipline. She was like a mother to me. After I progressed to higher grade learning from teachers whom she recommended, my grades dropped because I was only holding on for the sake of not wasting course fees. I had grown tired of it all and it became quite meaningless then. Few years after I stopped my lessons, I played pop music in school clubs for enjoyment. It was then that I realized how good it would be if I had made the effort to master classical techniques and be able to use them on contemporary music. I really wish to do justice to myself, and to my teachers, although it is slightly late. With increasing commitments in life, practising becomes even more difficult. It would cause a din to practise at night, and my family would probably think that I am out of my mind because it is unlike of me to be so enthusiastic in practising. I hate to practise to meet deadlines, but I like to do it at my own pace. I don't think that I have much interest in classical music, although I do like a few composers. I don't know if I would be able to regain my techniques and master those which I didn't manage to master. But in order not to waste the piano for a house of my own in future, I guess I should start to be hardworking. Everything seems to be accomplishable whenever I think of having my own house. It's probably because I can do whatever I want at my own pace, and I feel more free to do so. Even if I were to cause a din every night, nobody else would get affected.   

I feel very happy whenever I think of my future house, and the plans I have for it. It is the place where I shall accomplish my dreams. =) Why couldn't I just make do with a more restricted environment then? I don't know, but that is just me. Yes, I AM PICKY. Even the furniture in my room can affect my mood for studying. It's definitely not a good thing. If I had understood myself better when I was younger, would things have turned out differently? I think so. I would probably have beared with my environment, if I had known that years down the road, I would wish that I had practised my piano more, done this and that etc.

I guess this is life (this is such a good excuse to use when you regret on something). Let me just look forward to graduation, when I can start a new phase in life - the financially independent phase!! I want to learn so many things, but all eventually boil down to money. Many people out there are like me. You don't understand the need for something when you don't have to pay for it. By the time you understand it, it would be time you have to pay for it yourself.